Book: Non Violent Communication - Marshall B. Rosenberg

Having watched many of Marshall’s talks, that can be found on YouTube, after a suggestion from a close friend, I decided to also read the book he wrote on the same subject of Non Violent Communication (NVC).

Although the book and the talks I watched overlap more than 70%, in my estimation, I still found it very eye-opening, in the sense that it helped me understand how to connect to my feelings and needs, as well as to those of others, especially in times of anger and sadness.

Here are some excerpts that I would like to have quick access to and share in my blog.

Giving from the heart

When we give from the hear, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts fiver out of fear, guilt shame or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.

NVC Process

The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being

How we feel in relation to what we observe

The needs, values, desires etc. that create our feelings

The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Communication that blocks compassion

Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent”. But if I want more affection that she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive”. If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive”. On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized”.

Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports hierarchical or domination societies, where large populations are controlled by a small number of individuals to those individuals' own benefit. It would be in the interest of kings, czars, nobles, and so forth that the masses be educated in a way that renders them slavelike in mentality. The language of wrongness, should, and have to is perfectly suited for this purpose: the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves -to outside authorities- for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings.

Identifying and expressing feelings

In general, feelings are not being clearly express when the word feel is followed by:

1. Words such as that, like, as if:

“I feel that you should know better.”

“I feel like a failure.”

“I feel as if I’m living with a wall.”

2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it:

“I feel I am constantly on call.”

“I feel it is useless.”

3. Names of noun referring to people:

“I feel Amy has been pretty irresponsible.”

“I feel my boss is being manipulative.”

Taking responsibility for our feelings

[Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …"]

1. “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”

2. “I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”

3. “Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”

Requesting that which would enrich life

[When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do]

However, in other instances, we may express our discomfort and incorrectly assume that the listener has understood the underlying request. For example, a woman might say to her husband, “I’m annoyed you forgot the butter and onions I asked you to pick up for dinner.” While it may be obvious to her that she is asking him to go back to the store, the husband may think that her words were uttered solely to make him feel guilty.

[Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a rflection]

An assertation like “You did not hear me”, “That’s not what I said”, or “You’re misunderstanding me”, may easily lead Peter to think that he is being chastised. Since the teacher perceives Peter as having sincerely responded to her request for a reflection, she might say, “I’m grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I didn’t make myself as clear as I’d have liked, so let me try again”.

Receiving empathically

[Ask before offering advice or reassurance]

There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”

It is often frustrating for someone needing empathy to have us assume that they want reassurance or “fix-it” advice. I received a lesson from my daughter that taught me to check whether advice or reassurance is wanted before offering any. She was looking in the mirror one day and said, “I’m as ugly as a pig”.

“You’re the most gorgeous creature God ever put on the face of earth”, I declared. She shot a look of exasperation, exclaimed, “Oh, Daddy!” and slammed the door as she left the room. I later found out that she had wanted some empathy. Instead of my ill-timed reassurance, I could have asked, “Are you feeling disappointed with your appearance today?”

[When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs]

If we do decide to ask for information in this way, however, I’ve found that people feel safer if we first reveal the feelings and needs within ourselves that are generating the question.Thus, instead of asking someone, “What did I do?” we might say, “I’m frustrated because I would like to be clearer about what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I have done that leads you to see me in this way?” While this step may not be necessary -or even helpful- in situations where our feelings and needs are clearly conveyed by the context or tone of voice, I would recommend it particularly during moments when the questions we ask are accompanied by strong emotions.

[We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt]

What evidence is there that we have adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second, even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?”

Nurse: Oh are you worried she may not be able to handle her life without you?

Husband: Yes, worried she’ll miss me.

Nurse: (She is aware that dying patients often hang on due to worry over those they are leaving behind, and sometimes need reassurance that loved ones can accept their death before they can let themselves go.) Do you want to hear how your wife feels when you say that?

Husband: Yes.

The power of empathy

[It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources]

Expressing anger fully

Steps to expressing anger:

1. Stop. Breathe.

2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.

3. Connect with our needs.

4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

There are a lot more bookmarks that I have made on the book, and passages that I have highlighted. I prefer to not type everything here, both because it will take me a lot of time, and also because I highly recommend this book to everyone who frequently feels anger, misunderstood, sadness or disconnection.

If you do not enjoy reading books, then please go ahead and watch this video.